Two weeks ago, when the temperature hit an awesome ninety degrees, I decided to go buy Baby J a water play mat. I thought she might like it because she could go crazy walking all over it and getting sprayed in the face, you know, stuff kids love. I thought this was a killer idea so on our next errand run I picked one up for her.

When we got home I laid the mat out on the nice new grass and then took Baby J upstairs to prepare for some good ol’ fashion fun in the sun. When we got outside she cruised around–picking up rocks and trying to start a fire that was never going to happen–while I tried to connect the hose to the mat. Tried. In theory it sounds easy enough to do. In fact, it’s so “easy” to do it doesn’t even come with instructions. I’m sure in most peoples houses it actually is easy to do. It probably goes something like this:

  1. Lay mat out onto grass
  2. Walk over to hose
  3. Unscrew hose nozzle
  4. Screw on hose to mat
  5. Turn on water
  6. Realize that $5 play mat is using a ton of water
  7. Wonder when Al Gore is going to show up and start talking about what a detriment to society I am by wasting so much water. Or maybe I will get lucky and he will talk about Manbearpig
  8. After 15 minutes decide you’re over trying to regulate your bat shit crazy baby from going into the dirt soaking wet.
  9. Tell yourself your going to give it another go tomorrow
  10. Don’t give it another go but instead by a baby pool that you think will help regulate activity but actually doesn’t
  11. Realize you’re free from any threat of Al Gore showing up because at least now you’re conserving water



Like I said. That’s how it should go. But in my case I hit a bit of a snafu at step #3. I couldn’t unscrew the nozzle. WHHHYYYY?????? Oh, because, maybe there was some sort of plumbers tape (?) wrapped all around the teeth (?) of the actual hose. Upon further inspection I realized that the tape was holding the nozzle very firmly in place. To any other wife this may not be a big deal. Maybe you just get over it and decide it must have been leaking so hubby did some manly improvements on your hose for you. NOT IN MY HOUSE!!! In my house this is just yet another reminder of how many hoses have basically just come her to die. In total (in the past two years) we have had six hoses in our front yard (this doesn’t even count the two in our back yard) that have “somehow” been ruined. They’ve actually been run over, sliced with a box cutter, run over again, ruined by paint, ruined by mortar, and run over again.

Let’s get something out of the way. I’m not some weirdo who keeps my hose rolled up on the driveway just begging to be ran over. I keep it nice and “safe” near the front porch.

My husband swears not to be up to anything abnormal out front but I just can’t help but think that he actually is. For a while I chalked it off to him remodeling our house and just having to use the hose(s) a lot to clean all of his tools then leaving it laying all around then accidently driving onto our front porch with his truck thus killing our hose. I’ve now decided he’s playing a sick game with me.

After we finished our front yard (new grass, rocks, a tree, the whole deal) I thought “you know something… it’s time to welcome a permanent hose to the front.” So I did. I got this bad boy:


WOAH! It really is that awesome! Was. Was that awesome. Since “some how” the lever on the nozzle that controls water distribution broke my husband decided to buy a nozzle and stick it on there. Okay no problem. I mean wannabe Billy Mays hose had a nozzle so why not ours right? It would actually be fine if my husband hadn’t glued ours onto the hose. Now we have no options. I can’t use the play mat with out bringing the hose from out back to out front and I just don’t know that I’m willing to risk that hose. So, I buy a baby pool all while huffing and cussing under my breath (for a week) while I look at that hose. I figured that I just needed the hose to work well enough to fill up a baby pool. It just needs to work…





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